If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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