i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
My balls are so social today.
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
Randomize
