Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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