so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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