you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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