he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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