the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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