Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
