I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
