Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
