My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
