Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
