hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
