i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
