The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
