I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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