The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
