he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
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