just come out here and I will go home with you...
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
