Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
