My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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