I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Randomize
