so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
