you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
