we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
