I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Randomize
