I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
