I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
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