end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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