I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Randomize
