Me too!
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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