I cannot find my penis.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
you traded sex for a burrito?
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
