There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
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