I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
