did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Randomize
