My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Randomize
