You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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