Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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