I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
