We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
