someone get that fucking seahorse.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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