I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
Randomize
