somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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