He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
