if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize