I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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