Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
