I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
