I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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