Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Randomize
