Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
My ATM looks so different sober.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
