I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
