I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
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