I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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