I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Randomize