Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
