I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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