John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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