Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Randomize
