So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize