If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
You made out with two different species that night
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
