Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
