There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Randomize
