i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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