Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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