My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
