Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
