like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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