i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
