so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Randomize
